Sunday, August 3, 2008

Ten Dollar Ratings

Before I jump in and post my first official review (coming VERY soon, I promise) I thought it might be a good idea for me to explain HOW I will be evaluating each movie. For every movie, I will pick 5 topics to rate it on. There are more than 5 topics total but since the movies I own are a bit... well... diverse, I realized that there is no way to have one set review method that will work for everything. Each of the topics will then get a rating between $0 and $2 giving the movie a possible total of $10 (hence the name of this blog, genius). With that, here are the topics I can pick from to rate a movie:

$0 - Small quantity and even less creativity.
$1 - Acceptable amount, but I pretty much saw it all in the trailer.
$2 - Holy crap, that was NUTS.

For Ages 5 and Up
$0 - Not even a child would watch this nonsense.
$1 - I could justify watching this again as long as there is a minor in the room and the state is ok with that.
$2 - If you're 27 or 72... you will still dig this flick.


$0 - I laughed harder watching Schindler's List.
$1 - I laughed on the first watching, but never again.
$2 - I think I pooped a little.

$0 - Did I just watch a 3rd grade school play?
$1 - They put in as much effort as the budget called for.
$2 - I don't think she was faking it.

Effects & Animation
$0 - I actually saw the green screen.
$1 - Not too shabby for when it was made.
$2 - I'm going to have to ask my priest if that was real or not.

Critters & Creatures
$0 - Remember that cat with a crown from Mr. Rogers? Yeah... that bad.
$1 - I can't say it was worse than the gang on Pee Wee's Play House.
$2 - I will be checking under my bed before I go to sleep tonight.

Repeat Play
$0 - I just got a new coaster.
$1 - I'll throw it in for background noise while I fold my laundry.
$2 - I just have to take a quick leak... then I'm going for round 2.

Hello Ladies
$0 - I don't care what you say... she had an adam's apple.
$1 - Was that side boob?
$2 - Half Mast

Pump up the Jams
$0 - That barking dogs Christmas album would have been more tolerable.
$1 - Either my toe was tapping to the music or I need to refill my ritalin.
$2 - I downloaded some of the tracks before I even began this review.

Shock Value
$0 - I got exactly what I expected here.
$1 - I didn't see that coming, but I'll tell you I did.
$2 - Wait, Bruce Willis was dead the whole time?

Nerd Factor
$0 - Thank you for ruining one of the greatest parts of my childhood.
$1 - Well, at least they tried.
$2 - Virgins all over the world shall rejoice.

Action and Ass-Kickery
$0 - That was more boring than a game of kick-the-can.
$1 - My jaw hurt a little from watching that.
$2 - Tons of neck-breaking.

$0 - I get more emotional watching I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials.
$1 - Aww... that was kinda sweet... "puppy" sweet.
$2 - What are you talking about? I just got something in my eye... that's all.

$0 - I expected more and was let down.
$1 - Not a shabby way to spend 2 hours.
$2 - Wow... just wow.

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