Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Twenty-seven years after the release of the first Indiana Jones film, and nineteen years after the third, Steven Spielberg and crew thought it would be great to bring Harrison Ford back into the hat and whip for one more go. And I only have two things to say to that... 1- I think that was the best cinematic decision in years. 2- It's opposite day. What the holy hell made them think this was a good idea? Harrison Ford is still the man, but even HE was too old to be doing this. The jokes to that fact throughout the movie got pretty annoying quick, but not enough to distract me from the crap factory that I was watching. Everything that was awesome about the original Indiana Jones movies was horribly bastardized in the latest attempt. The action was a bit too geriatric for my tastes and the story was even more ridiculous then the Holy Grail stuff from Las Crusade. I don't think "hole" is a strong enough word to describe the issues with the plot either... let's go with "plot voids". There were some nice nostalgic elements, including the return of Karen Allen, but the addition of Shia LeBeouf as his illegitimate son (I don't care if i ruin any surprises for this one) felt like a kick in the bean sack. The movie begins with Indiana already kidnapped and being forced by Nazis to use his archeological expertise to help them with their latest hair brained world domination scheme. Naturally he escapes and then manages to survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a refrigerator. I'm not kidding. The nonsense continues, but I won't waste your time. On to the ratings...

Original Release: 2008
Running Time: 122 minutes
(Read the rating system details.)

Hardee-Har-Har - $0
All of the original Indiana Jones movies had a certain degree of humor to them. It's part of what made them great. On top of the action and suspense, Ford's portrayal of Indiana added some laughs to the mix. They tried real hard to bring that back for Crystal Skull and they tanked. Everything coming from Indiana felt extremely forced, and Shia's character was even worse.

Acting - $0
Hang your head in shame Harrison... hang your head. And Shia? Go back to giant robots my friend. Bad ass greaser with a switchblade just isn't you. They would have been better replacing you with Jar Jar Binks.

Effects & Animation - $1
I will say this. The CG used in a few places was pretty good. There wasn't a whole lot but what they did, they did well. The reason they needed the special effects? That was just awful. Indiana Jones shouldn't have this much sci-fi stuff to it. That could just be my opinion though.

Action and Ass-Kickery - $1
There's a lot of action here, as you would expect. Lots of chasing and shooting. None of it was groundbreaking for the Indiana Jones series or movies in general, but the quantity alone is deserving of a dollar. Don't ever tell me I'm not generous.

Romantics - $0
Painful. That's all I have to say about that.

Total Rating: $2

I think for my final thoughts, I will share the thing that I realized while working on this review and not during the movie itself. The female evil doctor Nazi character was played by Cate Blanchet. I hate Cate Blanchet. I do believe Steven Spielberg was trying to do everything in his power to make me not enjoy this movie. Job well done Steven... job well done.